On Hiding

If I had to list my talents, one of the top contenders would have to be hiding. I don't mean the hide-and-seek variety, although I seem to recall being fairly skilled at that too. I am a genius at hiding from my problems--or anything that might be associated with said problems. 

In fact, this blog is an excellent example of this skill. I failed to meet my deadline for reading the Illiad. Someone who was less skilled at hiding might have simply continued to read the book and wrote the post a bit late. I however, am a master-level hider. I hid from my blog; I actually didn't even come to the site to follow up on the blogs I read. I hid from the topic and the people who were interested in the blog. I hid from the library (and accrued quite the late fee). I'm still hiding from going to library to pay that fee. 

For some reason, when things aren't going well I take the opinion: "if I ignore it, maybe it will ignore me." I don't know why I do this, maybe I'm part ostrich. I know that hiding from the bank doesn't actually make my debts go away; regardless, I feel a type of terror every time I even think about going in to do anything about it. 

The point of this is confession is simply to say that I'm going to try to not hide from this blog. Even when I'm not meeting my deadlines and accomplishing project goals, I have to use this space, or I might hide from those projects forever. Hiding from monsters does nothing to the monsters themselves.

On the bright side, when I do decide to stop hiding from the Illiad, I should be able to pick up where I left off: I took very thorough notes. 

On Second Tries

So, you (and by "you" I mean whichever friends I've managed to bully into reading this) may have noticed that I never posted a review on The Iliad on Friday. I have an excuse! Not a good one, but one nonetheless. My library card had expired, so I really only got two days with the book. I got through half of it in those two days (over 300 pages), but half a book does not a good review make. I'll have it in this Friday. Promise.

My first week of the project was okay (unsuccessful, but good). When I was on my game, I was really on my game. I mean, I spent two whole days just reading and taking notes! Notes! I was less successful this weekend, when I had my book but didn't go to the library. I think I need to arrange a spot in my house where I can gather my focus as well as I can at the library.

Also today instead of reading (or cleaning) I made a pie. Its pear/apple.

Yum

On Lawncare

I've never really understood the purpose of the lawn. I bring this up after a lost battle with lawncare I had on Monday evening, so you'll have to forgive me if I sound a bit spiteful, because I really am. After posting on Monday, I decided to tackle my lawn, mostly out of guilt and because my its become one of my family's greatest weapons of mockery against me. It was wild looking, I'll give them that.

So I had David help me take the big gas mower off the porch (and forced him to fill it up), and resolved that I couldn't use my little reel mower given the lawn's latest growth achievements. Then we duct-taped up a little remair becuase some godless plastic bit decided to go rogue and break off as soon as I tried to start the thing. Dandy. Halfway through mowing my side boulevard it died. Puttered out a cloud of black smoke and refused to go on. I almost understand; the side boulevard was a great enemy - it was its first time mowed this year because very little of it consists of "actual" lawn at this point (I'm rather proud to say), and looks more like a forest floor than anything else. Regardless, I wish I didn't tackle the side boulevard until I had done the rest of the manageable lawn, for now I was left alone in battle and only parts of the rest of the lawn were done. I never wanted to mow the side, but I've been berated over it for quite some time. I think it looks just fine on its own.

Anyways, one small mental breakdown later and there I was, desperately pushing on my little reel mower to try to get it done. It was a losing battle. Its still not done. Ugh.

The Importance of Being Mowed

Like I said, I never really understood the purpose of lawns. Apparently, in North America (as my wiki-researching goes) we grown more "lawn" then any other "crop," including corn. We also use more pesticides per square foot then we do on any other crop. Gas mowers have actually become a contender that contributes to summer smog. Why do we do this? What's the point in growing something that just for the sake of having to cut it? Why not grow something that stays close to the earth to begin with. Get this, I don't know if you've heard, but some people actually water their lawns. It seems almost insane: water the lawn so we can cut the lawn, wash, rinse, repeat. If it were not for other people I would NEVER even consider growing a lawn just to cut it. I'd let it grow. I'd let native plants move in and do whatever they wanted to my yard.

So the history of the lawn as we know it isn't that long. Apparently in the 20s the growing middle class of America wanted to feel more like British aristocracy and have lawns, and thanks to the invention of the mower, they could manage to do so without and army of servants or sheep. During the wars, hot and cold, people were encouraged to keep tidy lawns to show how resilient and okay we were. Imagine that: lawn care proving our mental fortitude. 

Regardless, I know I'll be out there again this week with my rusted and dulled reel mower... proving my sanity... crumbling before social norms... mowing my lawn.

On Nobel First Steps

I'm using that gigantic translation near the right.

Okay, so despite when I manage to upload this, I'm currently writing this at round 3 o’clock in the afternoon. I’ve been at the library since 9 trying to get started with The Iliad. Whether or not you've ever spent an entire day reading, I’m sure you can appreciate the power of the 3 o’clock lull. I decided to take a break and write simply because I figure it will be harder for me to fall asleep while typing.

This project is very daunting. The translation I’m using is nearly 600 pages long and I have only just gotten past the introduction to the text. Normally I would just skip the intro, but Mr Adler insists that it will be of great use to me in coming to understand the text itself, even though he doesn't seem to usually accept pre-digested material. Further I’m finding (at least today) that the library atmosphere isn't as silent as one could hope for. Right now I have a man next to me reading the newspaper (somewhat) out loud. He mutters all the words to himself under his breath. Across the way there is an extremely enlightening (and loud) conversation going on regarding this girls latest American Eagle finds and her comments on her friend’s tanning progress. I’m learning so much. Ah! And now someone is vacuuming behind me. Wonderful.

My Week

Its been a trip. Although, I think its fairly useful as a cross-section of my life right now. If I continue with this project, it’ll be interesting to read back and see how my life has changed in the next three years. Hopefully it has an for the better.

Right before I managed to post on Friday my credit union called because my student line of credit had (once again) gone wild. I haven’t been able to make the payments that I wish I could. So as usual, they immediately called my grandparents (who are my cosigners) to threaten legal action. Its very sweet of them, I think. I was very rude with the woman who called me. I might call and apologise -- not because I think they’re completely innocent or anything, but because the woman who calls isn’t really the driving force behind the capitalist monster. She’s just a cog, and it can’t be easy calling people to ruin their day all day. I’m sure I wasn't the only snotty person she had to deal with that day.

Nothing else of particular interest happened. I did some dog-sitting with David, and went to my parents for Father’s day. My life feels very transient right now, like I’m just waiting in between my studenthood and my adult life. I probably need a proper full-time job, but I think I also need to figure out some meaning for myself. Until I know what I want to do, I think I’ll just keep feeling like I’m waiting. This blog certainly provides me with some structure, so there’s that.

Back to the book I suppose.

On "How to Read a Book"

The source material for this madness. 

Mortimer J. Adler's How to Read a Book first attracted my eye because I found the concept amusing. I mean, a book about how to read books? Its so meta that the little philosopher inside me couldn't resist picking it up. Adler's concern is not only that people aren't reading enough, but that the way they read is insufficient. At best, Adler figures that the average reader only reads for information, not understanding. As a professor, he found that even when his students could recall the words of a text, they failed to grasp the meaning of those words on any significant level. Adler believes that that the reason for this is that they simply were never taught (properly) how to read past a 3rd or 4th grade level; they could read words, but they couldn't really read books. In addition, Adler was concerned that academic culture has stopped valuing the properly liberal education, in which students read the great works in order to become thoroughly educated citizens. Instead of learning the foundations of history, science, philosophy, and literature, the modern student (rather arbitrarily) chooses a subject to specialise in and memorises the factoids necessary to pass exams. Mr. Adler finds this system to be thoroughly flawed. Firstly, students of this system are left with major gaps in their education: The engineer doesn't understand the political system she's ruled by, the philosopher fails to grasp the biology of life he's bound to, and the historian cannot know much about the psychologies that compel herself (or the subjects of her history). Secondly, Adler is concerned that the lack of reading skill in students means that they barely have any understanding of even their own chosen subjects.

The System

So, we don't know how to read, great. What do we do? How do we read a book? Adler comes up with a way to read in order to train oneself to read habitually well. To read not just for amusement or basic information, but for understanding, even enlightenment. To do this at first (before the method becomes ingrained into a habit), Adler demands that a work be read three times (yikes!). The first to Analyse the book: to figure out its type and genre, to know its major parts and the parts of those parts, and to determine what problems the text is trying to solve. The second is to Interpret the book: to learn the vital terms the author uses, the important propositions, and their arguments, and to determine which problems the author has succeeded in solving. And the third to Criticise the book: to show where the author may be uniformend, misinformed, illogical, or incomplete.

Mr. Adler looking stately.
I'd wear those glasses.

To do all this requires focused, active reading. And piles of notes and summations. So, the question for me becomes: what do I post here? If (IF!) I dare to make these notes, I doubt they'd be very interesting to read for you, the illustrious blog-reader; therefore, I doubt I'd post them directly to this blog. Possibly I could link the notes in Google Drive format for those masochistic types who would want to read them (again, if I actually attempt to make such thorough notes).

For the sake of this blog, I'm going to read the books as best as I can each week and then comment on them here. Perhaps I'll try to cover the "critisism" phase of the reading here. I'll run through how I felt by what was said, what significance the ideas might have, and how they relate to me.  Thoughts and feelings, and what-not. Thoughts and Feelings.

Yup.

So that's the Friday plan. The first proper book will be Homer's Iliad, which should be fun because as a work of fiction, Mr. Adler's system doesn't fully apply. He does make some notations on what to do in fiction's case though, so I'll work it out.

Monday's post will be a week review, and perhaps the always dramatic story of the relationship I have with my credit union. Unclear about Wednesday. Stay tuned.

On the State of the Blog 2014

Okay, so I promised myself I'd post today, so despite how late it is, it is still Wednesday and therefore I've been a good human being (at least in the blogging department). I finally have a plan(ish) for this blog! I'm sure I'll fail almost instantly, but its nice to dream.

My favourite blogs are the ones where you really get a sense of the person who is writing them whilst they embark on some semi-ludicrous goal; think Julie & Julia, or Green as a Thistle. I also have a soft spot for mommy blogs, particularity Raising my Rainbow, but for obvious reasons I can't mommy blog (damn gender constraints!). The former blog-type will have to do.

The Semi-Ludicrous Goal.

I want to do book reviews/discussions/something. I hear you already, "What's so special about that, people do that all the time, what's almost ludicrous about that?" Ah! You forget that this is Kayle, and no plan of mine could be that easy. I want to "intensely" read the Great Books of the Western tradition as suggested by Mortimer J. Alder's How to Read a Book. This list includes 137 authors, many of which involve reading multiple texts. I want to read one a week, starting with Homer's Iliad and ending with Aleksandr I. Solzhenitsyn's Cancer Ward. Over 2000 years (YEARS!) of great (and difficult) literature. I haven't done all the math yet (read: none), but I guess this task will take at least three years. This coming from someone who can't manage to do a few pushups every other day. 

I'll try to explain the why of this goal on Friday when I go over some of the finer points of How to Read a Book. I'll also try to figure out what those posts should even look like.

The Schedule

I don't want this blog to only be book reviews though, because that could get boring, also (and try to imagine me as a stereotypical high-school art teacher when I say this,) I wouldn't be able to express myself as a person. Towards that end I think I'll schedule in one or two days dedicated to how my life's going and what I'm thinking about. My hope is that my goal will improve me as a human being and that this will somehow show in my personal posts. (Ha.)

My thoughts are thus:

• Mondays - Week Review. Things that I saw and thought were interesting/amusing. Miscellany.
• Wednesdays - Opinion Pieces. Thoughts and Rambles. Rants. Miscellany.
• Fridays - Book Review or Discussion or Something. (I really don't know how in depth I want to make these posts yet. I'll figure it out along the way I guess).

Alright, see you Friday when I cover How to Read a Book.

(Affirmation style: I will absolutely post on Friday) 

On graduation.

I'm no longer a student... so that's something. I've not been a student before, but that was a time when I fully intended to become a student again. I'm done being a student for the foreseeable future. To be honest, I think I've not been a student for at least a year now, at least my heart hasn't been in the mode of "being a student" for that time, but now I'm really not a student.

"No more Teachers, No more Books."

I'm deeply relieved. I'm also terrified. I don't have the education to become a librarian, so my original plan (the plan of freshman Kayle) is out the window. I'll have to play by ear. Often, I maintain illusions of having a cafe/tea shop of my own; however, this isn't a play I can make with the cards I currently hold, at least not yet. I have to figure out how to finance such a venture, and I don't think a loan is either wise or possible when I consider the amount of student debt I've accumulated. I accept this fact. Not everyone can start out with their dream job: I have more dues to pay.

Regardless of all this, I'm so glad to not be a student any longer. I've wanted out for some time now. I feel like the reasons I went to university in the first place had stopped applying. I had wanted a broad, liberal arts education, and then I wanted to get a masters in library studies; however, to get the masters, I needed a four-year "honours" degree. Liberal arts degrees do not come in that flavour, so I chose philosophy, because those were the classes I really enjoyed and in theory it was a broad subject. Sadly, I've found that I don't particularly enjoy extreme "higher level" philosophical nit picking. It became so narrow. I felt like I was doing philosophy merely as a means to another end, and not for its own sake. Ironically, that made it very difficult for me to achieve my original end. It certainly didn't bring me any happiness.

It still bites that I can't become a librarian. I wanted to be the one who lead people to the information they sought, and to the stories that they'd connect to. I had imagined myself as a public librarian, perhaps specialised somewhat for young adults. I wanted to meet those rare kids who enjoyed reading and following their own educational paths, and I wanted to facilitate that compulsion towards self-directed learning. I wanted to put the right stories into the right hands. I would have been spectacular I think. But I can't bring myself to bridge the gap between my current self and that possible self. I simply not willing (or financially able) to do that much work for a future that might not even be possible. I'd have to repair my now blighted undergraduate transcripts. I'd have to get that honours degree. I'd have to be accepted to a graduate school, and then put in two more years of work to get the masters degree. And after all that, I'd have to hope that the librarian career as I wanted it still existed. The very thought of all that makes me dizzy and a little nauseous. I'm already 25 - I cannot and will not continue in this student limbo between my adolescence and adulthood. Put frankly, I need to grow up.

This post has already gotten darker then I had hoped. Its not all bad. Being a librarian isn't the only path I could take towards a good life. I have options, even I cannot see them all now, and I have found that life always seems to work itself out. And for what its worth, philosophy has given me a lot more then I'm often willing to admit. I met some great people in that department. I'm capable of obnoxiously critical thinking. I like to think that I'm somewhat more self aware then many, even if that hasn't made me a better person yet. Its entirely possible that now that it doesn't feel forced, that my original passion for learning and philosophy will be able to seep back into my life.

In the meantime, I have to figure out what employment sits in the crossover between "things I can do" and "thing I want to do."

On ending and then beginning.

So I've finally (FINALLY) managed meet all my graduation requirements. I expect to have a degree in philosophy by the end of the year. The notion of actually being graduated inflicts me with many of the feels.

Firstly, there is like a jamboree of sheer joy floating around in my stomach; seriously, if you added gumbo, my gut could pass for Louisiana. I've caught myself on more then one occasion letting out squees of excitement. My cat has never been more terrified.

Secondly, there is a shocking feeling of accomplishment. Shocking because I still don't entirely feel like I deserve it; however, there is something to be said for know that I've completed the requirements to earn a degree. A strange sort of confidence has been mustered (one that I really could have used while still in school). Perhaps my institution's propaganda has been getting to me, but a degree means something to me. Not everyone has a degree. I do. (Will).

Thirdly and most predictably, I feel terror. Oh god: I have to grow up now. I have to somehow find something to do that also makes enough money to pay the crushing amount of debt I have accumulated. I often find myself thinking "what can I do," only to be faced with silence. A philosophy degree does not come with a job description built in. I'm not an engineer or a nurse. To be fair, that's what I always loved about philosophy: it was broad. Philosophy has given me this subtle set of skills that can be applied almost anywhere, and the only problem is convincing employers that these skills exist.

I don't want to end this post on a negative point. Disregarding the uncertainties of the future, I'm absolutely sure that I'll figure out something to do. Maybe it'll be some office job that I wouldn't have approved of a few short years ago. Or maybe it'll be the job of my dreams. The future isn't entirely written. Maybe I'll end up with that Tea Shop/Cafe that I've pined over, or perhaps I'll manage to become that YouTube sensation I've always pretended I could be. Regardless, I'll be living an examined life, and so it'll be worth living.