I'm no longer a student... so that's something. I've not been a student before, but that was a time when I fully intended to become a student again. I'm done being a student for the foreseeable future. To be honest, I think I've not been a student for at least a year now, at least my heart hasn't been in the mode of "being a student" for that time, but now I'm really not a student.
"No more Teachers, No more Books."
I'm deeply relieved. I'm also terrified. I don't have the education to become a librarian, so my original plan (the plan of freshman Kayle) is out the window. I'll have to play by ear. Often, I maintain illusions of having a cafe/tea shop of my own; however, this isn't a play I can make with the cards I currently hold, at least not yet. I have to figure out how to finance such a venture, and I don't think a loan is either wise or possible when I consider the amount of student debt I've accumulated. I accept this fact. Not everyone can start out with their dream job: I have more dues to pay.
Regardless of all this, I'm so glad to not be a student any longer. I've wanted out for some time now. I feel like the reasons I went to university in the first place had stopped applying. I had wanted a broad, liberal arts education, and then I wanted to get a masters in library studies; however, to get the masters, I needed a four-year "honours" degree. Liberal arts degrees do not come in that flavour, so I chose philosophy, because those were the classes I really enjoyed and in theory it was a broad subject. Sadly, I've found that I don't particularly enjoy extreme "higher level" philosophical nit picking. It became so narrow. I felt like I was doing philosophy merely as a means to another end, and not for its own sake. Ironically, that made it very difficult for me to achieve my original end. It certainly didn't bring me any happiness.
It still bites that I can't become a librarian. I wanted to be the one who lead people to the information they sought, and to the stories that they'd connect to. I had imagined myself as a public librarian, perhaps specialised somewhat for young adults. I wanted to meet those rare kids who enjoyed reading and following their own educational paths, and I wanted to facilitate that compulsion towards self-directed learning. I wanted to put the right stories into the right hands. I would have been spectacular I think. But I can't bring myself to bridge the gap between my current self and that possible self. I simply not willing (or financially able) to do that much work for a future that might not even be possible. I'd have to repair my now blighted undergraduate transcripts. I'd have to get that honours degree. I'd have to be accepted to a graduate school, and then put in two more years of work to get the masters degree. And after all that, I'd have to hope that the librarian career as I wanted it still existed. The very thought of all that makes me dizzy and a little nauseous. I'm already 25 - I cannot and will not continue in this student limbo between my adolescence and adulthood. Put frankly, I need to grow up.
This post has already gotten darker then I had hoped. Its not all bad. Being a librarian isn't the only path I could take towards a good life. I have options, even I cannot see them all now, and I have found that life always seems to work itself out. And for what its worth, philosophy has given me a lot more then I'm often willing to admit. I met some great people in that department. I'm capable of obnoxiously critical thinking. I like to think that I'm somewhat more self aware then many, even if that hasn't made me a better person yet. Its entirely possible that now that it doesn't feel forced, that my original passion for learning and philosophy will be able to seep back into my life.
In the meantime, I have to figure out what employment sits in the crossover between "things I can do" and "thing I want to do."
